Remediation
by clemonlime
Summary: Reid struggles with feelings he knows are unrequited...


Reid gently banged his head against the steering wheel, regretting every decision he'd ever made. As much as he would have liked to say he was exaggerating, he wasn't.

He regretted everything since high school, at that point. Maybe if he hadn't slept around so much for social experiment, or... or been so careless with everything when he realized who he was. Maybe if he hadn't kept using his memory and knowledge to his advantage early on, or gotten those PhDs and fast-tracked through training at Quantico... he wouldn't have met Hotch.

Even more, maybe if he wasn't gay.

Reid felt his heart ache suddenly and pressed his palm to his chest, as if he could cease the pain.

So many cliches. So many stupid ideas and stupid boys and ideas that couldn't be put into words. Too many times had he sat in the corner of his room trying to come up with some way to explain, to come up short with a wet face and a deflated sense of motivation.

"I could be straight..." he whispered, trying to take deep breaths, "I just need... I need to work out some, and... and be more open to whatever. But I could do it."

He flipped down the visor and opened the mirror, staring into his reflection and giving himself a shaky smile.

 _Do I regret coming out when I did? Not one bit. What I do regret, however, is that I didn't do it sooner._

Reid heard the car horn go off and felt a sting on his fist, glancing down and furrowing his eyebrows. He'd punched the steering wheel.

 _Regret wasn't something I was focused on, in high school. What I was focused on, right underneath my studies, was trying to figure out what my gay life would be like. Trying to figure out if I would be the flaming kind, or the sex-every-night kind, or the kind you couldn't even tell was gay until they awkwardly spoke up._

 _However, now? Now, I figure I'm none of those, but one more cliche- the one that tries to avoid falling love with the man that's so close yet so far._

Reid weaved his shaking fingers through his hair, glancing at the clock. Midnight, and Hotch still wasn't there.

"Oh, well," he whispered, wiping his eyes and sniffing as he started the car.

He didn't know why he thought Hotch would come. He was probably home, sitting on his couch and watching some documentary after having put Jack to bed, totally fine. Not having an anxiety attack because he liked cock-

Reid jumped and looked to the car window as he heard a gentle knocking.

"Reid, are you crying?" Hotch asked, just loud enough to hear through the door.

The brunette turned off the engine and stuffed his keys roughly into his pocket, swinging the door open and standing up, "Where the hell have you been?"

"Traffic," Hotch replied.

"At nearly one in the morning, I seriously doubt it," Reid shook his head and leaned on the side of his car, "If you didn't want to come, you could have told me. I wouldn't have been upset, Hotch."

"No, I wanted to, I just was worried," Hotch crossed his arms over his chest, "God, it's cold out here."

"Yeah."

"Why... why am I here?" Hotch asked, his voice quiet, "Not that I don't want to be here, but... y'know."

Reid looked up at him, "You don't like me, do you?"

Hotch seemed surprised, "What?"

"Me," the brunette's voice cracked, "I'm not much else but a boy, am I?"

"You're... you mean a lot more than that."

Reid laughed, sarcastic and loud, "Why did you stay?"

"Stay?" Hotch seemed slightly scared, "I'm confused, Reid, I-"

"This remediation bullshit," Reid whispered, "Why did you come back? Why did you stay?"

"I was worried after Hankel, Reid."

Reid shook his head, "That's not right. You're lying."

Hotch frowned and tried to grab Reid's hands, letting out a small gasp as Reid jerked away, "Reid-"

"Don't tell me you didn't feel it," Reid murmured, the first of many tears to fall drifting down the side of his face, "The anxiety of not being with me, just like me to you. Please- you... didn't you feel incomplete?"

Hotch stared at him.

Reid closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose, "Okay. Okay, so tell me this- what was that week about?"

"The week... was to make sure you were okay," Hotch held his hands out, as if he was trying to calm a crazed mental patient, "I wanted to help you with the the cravings, with everything."

"Even when you knew..." Reid ran his fingers through his hair, "... even when you knew I was... God, I hate mys—I'm just..."

Reid slid down the car until he was sitting on his ankles, leaning back on the tire.

"Let's go home," Hotch pleaded, "We can talk about this in the morning."

"You were the only one," Reid whispered, his breath coming in small hiccups, "The only one who got the clue. You told me how everyone looked at you when you pointed out the damn Bible verse... They all think that we're together. That we're dating."

"I know."

"Hotch, what I wouldn't give..." he looked up and met Hotch's eyes, "... what I wouldn't give to be with you."

Hotch closed his mouth.

"I'm embarrassing, I know," the brunette whimpered, averting his gaze, "but you couldn't understand."

"I could try."

"No," Reid chuckled quietly, "You don't understand- I'm very gay. I am very, very gay. And you were pretty, and smart, and you had a penis. And somehow that translates, in my very, very gay brain, to a scenario in which I can't live without you. Because I love you."

Hotch sat on the cold asphalt in front of him, speechless.

"I wonder if I lied to you," Reid wiped his eyes with the backs of his hand, "If I told you that I was, like, dating Emily or something. If I lied to you, would you have not come back?"

"I..." Hotch's bottom lip quivered, "I don't think so."

"Okay," he sniffed, "Okay, okay. I'm okay."

"I'm sorry," the suited man whispered, "I'm sorry, but I can't... I just can't..."

"I know," Reid slowly found his voice, "It's okay. You didn't mean to get into this."

"I'm... I'm sorry."

Reid shook his head and stood, "No need to be."

"Reid-"

"I'll get Garcia to edit my files, try to hide the addiction and the temporary address change," he fished his keys from his pocket, "You don't have to come over anymore, and you don't have to give me pity sex because I'm craving or because you miss Haley. You don't have to deal with me anymore. Okay?"

"No," Hotch stood as well, trying to grab Reid's hands, "Don't do this."

"I can't do this anymore," Reid shook his head and pushed him away gently, "It hurts too much. Please. Please, let me go."

Hotch opened his mouth, but stepped back and let Reid get in his car.

Reid started the engine and flipped up the visor before pulling out of the parking lot, not giving so much as a glance back.

"I'll..." Hotch sniffed, "I'll love you."


End file.
